The Tone Trap: Communicate Clearly Without Shrinking Yourself

Dear Women Leaders,

I’ll admit that tone matters in difficult conversations.

- Sound too emotional? It’s a distraction in the conversation.

- Sound too stoic? You seem heartless.

- Sound too compassionate? You appear weak.

Tone is in the ear of the beholder.

There is no pleasing everyone, and you can make yourself sick trying.

How does it look different for women leaders?

Research shows you’re being scrutinized more than your male counterparts. That scrutiny exists before you open your mouth. It’s tied to your stereotypes about your identity, not your competency.

So how do you get it right with those kinds of obstacles?

Trying to be someone or something you’re not rarely works. It’s exhausting to keep up a facade, and many people will see through it.

Instead, hone your skills and show up as the best version of you.

✴️ What tone do you hope to convey? Curiosity? Authority? Collaboration? Compassion? As you prepare your conversation, have that word at the front of your mind. You can use that word to recenter yourself in the conversation, too.

✴️ Choose language that sounds like you in regular conversation. Don’t create or experiment with a new lexicon just because this is a difficult conversation.

✴️ Tell the person what you’re feeling, rather than showing it. Say “I’m frustrated”, rather than raising your voice. This is all about self-regulation, and we want all parties in this conversation to self-regulate to make it a productive conversation.

✴️ Practice what you want to say OUT LOUD a few times. Listen to yourself. Heck, record yourself if you need to! No one wants to do this part. Trust me, once it comes out of your mouth in the moment, you can’t take it back. So adjust your language and your tone beforehand.

✴️ Silence is your friend. Sometimes it is the most important part of the conversation. Silence is not acquiescence; taking a moment to breathe and think after someone says something combative or disconcerting doesn’t mean you agree with it.

Your tone is tied to gender and racial stereotypes. You can’t undo that conditioning in others by making yourself small or worrying about how you’ll be received.

Give yourself some grace and time to practice to find a communication style that is authentic and effective.

Sincerely,

Your Leadership Coach

P.S. Want more intentional leadership strategies like this?

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